18 lessons kids learn from your relationship

You can spend countless hours lecturing your offspring on the benefits of being kind, gracious and forgiving people, but the reality is they get most of their how-to information by watching the way their parents interact. 

Are you modeling the sorts of behaviors you want to see in your children? Read on for lessons (good and bad) you might be imparting to your kids without realizing it.

How to have a healthy marriage

One of the biggest causes of marital unhappiness and divorce is when couples let their marriage slip to the bottom of the priority list (or off of it entirely), says Judith Siegel, MSW, PhD, Associate Professor of Social Work in the New York University Silver School of Social Work and author of What Children Learn from Their Parents' Marriage. "Before you had children, your spouse was your baby," she explains. 

"After kids come along, we often stop taking care of our partners. When you make an effort to put energy into your relationship, you send your children the message that marriage is good and that it makes people happy. When you ask a child what brings their mom or dad joy, the luckiest ones are the ones who can answer 'my mom makes my dad happy' and vice versa."

How to treat someone with respect

It's not just the way you speak to your spouse that your kids notice; they're also paying painfully close attention to how you talk about their other parent. 

When DH pisses you off and they hear you dad-bashing, the loud-and-clear message isn't just that Dad is a doofus, but also that mom is not to be trusted. (Does she talk that way about me when I'm not around, too?) Double lose.

How to pitch in

When your kids see you assuming certain household responsibilities -- say, you do all of the laundry and your partner does the gardening -- they naturally and automatically assume that this is the way it is across the board and around the world. 

"The information you gather as a child is what we call tacit knowledge, and it basically forms the assumptions you take with you into the rest of your life," explains Siegel. Want to raise kids who not just value but expect teamwork? Let them see you folding laundry or pulling weeds together. Bonus: They're more likely to pitch in themselves when they don't view a task as strictly mom's or dad's domain.

What commitment means

Marriage can be hard, no doubt about it. And if your rugrats are getting all of their messages about the way it works from the star-studded media all around them, they're bound to believe that when the going gets tough, the tough bail it straight out of there. 

"When your children watch you work through challenging times -- when you're frustrated, cranky, having financial troubles, one of you is sick or unemployed -- they learn that marriage isn't about expecting perfection but about getting through these things together," says Tina B. Tessina Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist in Southern California and the author of 13 books including Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.

How equal partners negotiate

You covet a new couch, your DH craves a new car. How do you decide where to spend the funds (assuming, of course, that a dual-splurge is out of the question)? "I make more money so I get to decide" sends a dangerous might-is-right message and shows a clear lack of respect. 

On the other hand, taking the time to really hear each other out and work out a compromise ("How about we do this now, and make it our goal to do the other within twelve months?") imparts skills that your kids can take to preschool, the playground and beyond.

There's joy in being a family

Beyond your paying jobs, you and your partner also are engaged in the very demanding task of co-parenting your offspring. Sadly, in many families the children only see parents slaving away -- both on the job and at home. 

"Part of your job as a family is to have to have fun together," says Tessina. "Sometimes that means knowing when to say 'let's go outside and play' even though all of the chores aren't done and you still have work to do." The message (that may one day score you a gaggle of grandkids): Parenting isn't a miserable, thankless 24/7 job.

How to fight fair

Take two people with two distinct personalities and they're bound to disagree from time to time. The pros agree that witnessing conflict isn't harmful to children -- it's the low blows we often resort to that do the damage. 

Next time you're fuming, look at it as one of those famous teaching moments and model the kind yet confident behavior you'd like to see in your kids. 

"I can see how you might feel that way and I'm trying to understand why; I'd also like a chance to explain why I feel differently" creates a much safer kid-space than "I don't know why I ever married an idiot like you in the first place!" Here are 12 things you need to know about marriage to strengthen your bond. 

Love should be unconditional

Many a spouse has uttered some version of this statement: "Fine! You can do your own laundry/pick up your own dry cleaning/cook your own meals from now on!" Of course we all occasionally say stupid things we don't mean in moments of frustration, but remember the offspring hovering around your ankles? They're taking all of this in, and what they hear is that love is conditional. 

Instead? Explain with fond generosity what it is that you need (more recognition for your efforts, or more effort on your partner's part). 

Tip: No buts. "I love you and I need a little more help in the morning," doesn't negate the affectionate part.

How to apologize

Say something unkind to your spouse? Overreact to a small transgression? Forget to do something he asked you to do? Let the kids see and hear you say you're sorry. "Apologies are healing," says Tessina. 

"It's important for children to see that mom and dad can be really mad and then come back together and fix it. The most important part of this is the idea that it can be fixed. They'll carry this belief with them later in life, when they are having struggles of their own."

Why support is key

It's one (very important) thing to apologize when you've caused harm or damage -- but don't forget to model empathy as well. After all, a child's visceral reaction to someone else's pain is often, "I didn’t do it!" Having your kids hear frequent displays of selfless consideration ("I'm sorry you had a bad day," or "I'm sorry that happened to you,") shows your children the critical skill of compassion in action.

You need to show affection

It's easy and natural to hug, kiss and cuddle with your kids, especially when they're little. But when was the last time that Dad got that kind of attention? "When children see that Mom and Dad have their own bond and don't exist exclusively to serve their needs, it helps foster their independence," says Tessina. 

Plus, as hard as it may be to fathom, one day the kids will be grown and gone, and you'll be glad you put some energy into nurturing your own relationship.

How to share

What's more embarrassing than watching your child refuse to share his toys on a play date? ("I know it's your batmobile/Barbie/bubble machine sweetie, but in our house we share with our friends.") While this level of generosity is a hard concept for kids to grasp, they'll pick it up a lot more quickly if they see their parents willingly giving up half of their dessert or graciously handing over the remote control.

How to make up after a fight

An hour ago you and your partner had a fight -- and made up. Are you still sulking around (lugging a titanic grudge everywhere you go), or are you laughing together about how silly you both acted? "Humor has a way of lightening your emotional load," says Siegel. "Couples who help each other manage stress with laughter teach kids resiliency." Plus, it's tough to stay mad when you're giggling.

You don't need to be perfect

Your spouse is always late, or he's an impossible slob, or he never, ever remembers your anniversary. Remember that bit about "for better or for worse"? Every minute of every day you have a choice: You can constantly berate him and his behavior, or you can model an attitude of tolerance. 

By opting for the latter, you show your kids that affection isn’t tied to performance, and that by the same token imperfection is unquestionably lovable. As for the irritating behavior itself, Tessina suggests adopting a mantra that sounds something like this: "I love him and he's wonderful in all these other ways. I am going to let it go."

Why it's important to manage your emotions

When grown-up tempers flare in your house, how do you deal? If your answer is "slam the nearest door," "cower in the corner" or "go stay with my mom for a week," know that your children will likely follow suit in their own troubling situations. 

Want them to learn to stand up for themselves (and you will, especially when the old peer pressure kicks in) without completely losing it? Show them by example how adults can stand their ground with calm confidence and grace.

How to give praise

He tosses the last pillow on the bed triumphantly and looks at you, head cocked. Do you praise him for the effort or roll your eyes and think to yourself, "Big deal, I do it every day. He’s acting like he deserves a medal?" 

It's no secret that married folks can be mighty stingy with gifts of recognition -- which is too bad because positive reinforcement and more good behavior make a notoriously happy couple. Even if he's agreed to assume responsibility for a certain task, who doesn't like to hear "I really appreciate it when you do that for us"?

What love looks like

You dash from work to the grocery store to soccer practice pick-up, and burst through the door, arms laden with shopping bags, anxious to get dinner on the table. "Honey, I’m home!" you shout into the bowels of the house. 

Really happy to see the guy after a long day, are you? "Reentry is so important," insists Tessina. "Any time you come together after being apart, take a moment to greet your spouse, tell them you're glad to see them and looking forward to hearing about their day. 

Doing this sets the tone for the rest of the day and makes the whole marriage run more smoothly." It also serves to remind your kids, "Wow, mom really likes dad!" If there's one lesson you want to pass on, it's that the two of you are in love. 

Marriage is a two-way street

Marriage is a two-way street paved with love, respect, responsibility and several tons of compromise. "When children are little, they have a need and parents fill it," Tessina explains. 

"They can’t be expected to understand that needs go both ways unless you demonstrate this." Simply shifting your language from "I" or "he" to "us" and "we" shows you value the whole of the family over the sum of its parts. Yes "you" (singular) may not love camping, but "you" (plural) can still have a great family time doing it.

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